you guys were way drunker than both of me
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
