hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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