Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We left an ass print on the piano.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
