You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
