he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
