Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
