If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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