is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
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aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
They took my balls.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
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I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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