oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
