If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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