Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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