I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
