if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
