i don't like sucking hair
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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