Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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