I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
