Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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