Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
