So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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