I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
