She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
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I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
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No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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