he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
