Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
