Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I could fuck to npr.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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