I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
