I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
stop calling my apartment porn island.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
