I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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