I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
