i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
FUCK WHALES
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
