Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
