I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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