she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
