Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
