I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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