Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
