Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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