If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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