now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
