Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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