The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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