I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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