she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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