I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
