Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
