Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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