I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
