you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
