I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
