I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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