my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
