i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
