I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
