Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
