I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
