Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
