she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
