I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I currently don't understand fingers.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
