apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
