I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
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I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
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Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just want nice things and good sex
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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