I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
