your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
