make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
